Life has its meanings

It’s a good and bad thing I guess. I’ve made some great senior friends that I’ll probably never talk to again, and I’ll miss so much. They’ve all taught me great lessons, Treated me well, and Left a place in my heart. Hopefully I’ll keep in touch with most of them at least. 

And I also heard something interesting….

That my cousin Tyler went around telling concert choir that my biological father doesn’t love me. That’s really embarrassing, but it made me realize.. it doesn’t really get to me anymore. At least Selman said that I turned out good for having a douche for a father. 

But on the other side of what I’m spewing as the truth of “It doesn’t bother me anymore” I find that it may be just me, lying to myself and others.

I haven’t seen or spoken to my father in 6 months… and the last thing he said to me was “I’m calling the police”. When I remind myself of that, I just get a weird feeling.. Not like depressing, but more like a pondering moment or something…

Every night I dream about him and my stepmom, sometimes my stepsiblings too. I’ve literally had dreams about my dad every night since I walked out Christmas Eve, and I’ve just been trying to ignore him. I don’t really know If I’ve ever told anyone that.. But its true… And in ever dream, its the same story, just different situations and scenario. I try to give him another chance, or I we get in a fight or something, and it proves that I’ve always been nothing but a disappointment to him, and he’s not proud of me for anything I’ve done. It can’t really say if the dreams hurt me or not, but It just rest assures that I’ll probably never get along with him…

I have a decent family over here at least. Nothing is perfect, but that’s every family. I”m thankful for them everyday no matter what, love you guys!

-Bundon  

I thought it went slow… but it hasn’t. I’m actually upset that it’s coming to an end. I’ve made a lot of senior friends that I don’t want to lose, because I know that I probably won’t talk to most of them ever again… :(

And Culinary Arts has been amazing. Most of them are either second years or seniors, or both, so Its the last time I’m ever going to see most of them. I’ve made a lot of great senior friends in Culinary Arts that I’ll miss so much. They’ve all truly changed my life for the better, and I’ve loved every moment I’ve spent with them. I know family appreciation dinner kicked the shit out of us, but we got it done. It was rough, but we held in there. 

One senior friend that I’ve made that I’m really going to miss is Alex Rueweler. He’s been nothing but nice to me, and let me hang out with him on days that we haven’t had Jeffco. He’s bought me polar pops, drinks, and even dinner. He’s helped me through a lot of shit, and he’s an awesome partner to have in Culinary Arts. He’s been almost like an older brother to me, and I’m really gonna miss that kid when he graduates.

I’m also going to miss Micaela Digar. She’s been amazing. She’s funny, smart, mature, and always knows what to do. That’s why I wanted her to be head chef for the appreciation dinner. She did great. We had our ruff spots during serving time, but she pulled through and I’m proud of both of us for running that kitchen with only 5 people for kitchen help.

I’m so proud of everyone for that dinner. I know a lot of people cried and wanted to quit, but no one walked out. We pushed hard and I had the best kitchen help. Juno Rue, Alex Rueweler, Lindsay Hess, Megan Kuehnal, and Ben stanley. We all did the best we could (compared to last year with 19 people in the kitchen, we only had 7!!!) I’m so proud of us, and I’m going to miss everyone next year when It comes to family appreciation dinner. But I’m glad I’ve had the chance to work with them. 

Thats the name of my biological father. Anywaaays, for years now I’ve been day dreaming of taking a bat to his stupid ass truck that he babied so much and cared more about than me. Transmission went out so poop… he got a new truck that is his new love. Regardless, I’ve always wanted to simultaneously beat the tar out of his stupid truck(s). Anyways, he got this new truck that from what I’ve heard he put a lot of time and money into and now he loves it. My anger has slowly gone away… although I wanted to beat his truck still. But after today, I figured god did if for me. After this past storm with the hail, my dad and his truck happened to be in St. Charles. The hail storm completely destroyed his truck and busted out windows. My grandpa told me this, and when I heard it, I felt no remorse, as bad as that sounds. 

It sounds bad, I know, but honestly… I don’t want to do those things to him. I’ve been over wanting to beat his truck for awhile, and now that it happened, I feel even more content. 

But the thing is, I should just get over it…. I don’t need to hold anger toward him any longer. He’s been out of my life for almost 6 months now, and he hasn’t made an effort to contact me, apologize, or tell anyone on his side of the family that he has any care for me.

I know my father doesn’t care for me, neither have any of my mother’s ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends, so I’m used to it by now. Sure, he’s my biological father, but that doesn’t make him my DAD. My mom’s boyfriend now is pretty cool and he treats me right, but he’s still not DAD. 

So, I’m wondering if I should change what I’m wanting to preach this Wednesday night to forgiveness… Because I believe it’s something we can all work on. 

I know my father wants nothing to do with me, and I’ve been working on accepting it, and moving on. You don’t need a father in your life to be loved and accepted, you just need your good friends, which I have plenty of :D, and family. 

I just want my biological father to know that I don’t hate him… and I’m working on forgiving him. Maybe I’ll send him a card on father’s day, but I still don’t want to be his son…

-Bundon